----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Tenacious Tanasi <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: AT-L <at-l@backcountry.net>
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 12:20 AM
Subject: Thinking thoughts
From: Tenacious Tanasi <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: AT-L <at-l@backcountry.net>
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 12:20 AM
Subject: Thinking thoughts
I was sitting here reading on Whiteblaze and browsing the net checking hiking/gear links that have lay dormant for oh so long in my Firefox. And, it crept up on me... Springer Fever. I'm getting the itch again...and it's not the same one Felix gave me. ;)
All of the reasons that I have put off a thruhike have been taken away, will soon go, or have already left me. What reason do I have to remain stationary? Why live here in a town where I am just so miserable? Why put up with the continued abuses of my ex?
The other night after telling him that I was not going to battle for the next 7 years over the kids, he taunted me telling me to just move away from here. Hey, you know what? That's not such a bad idea at all. Not having to deal with him being such a childish, pitiful, mean prick is quickly, and very sadly, overruling my desire to stay here and fight for the rights of my daughters to have their mother in their lives. And all the while watching him make the same mistakes with them that he did in our marriage. Lack of intellect, communication, motivation, effort, and honesty from him will be the bane of my daughters' existences.
Yes, the thought of not being near my children and truly getting to watch them grow pains me almost as bad as knowing I'm not going to get to grow old with the one I want to. However, the reason I went to court was to give my girls their voice, and if they really wanted to be with me they had the opportunity to have said so.
I truly don't think I can stand living here watching another woman raise my girls whose idea of keeping them busy is setting them down with a 2 liter of coke and a family size bag of chips in front of the television while she slips off to pop her cocktail of daily pills. I just can't do it. It's killing me psychologically. All of this...it's just killing me.
I've gotten into the habit of taking a ride up the river on my lunch break from work. Today, as I sat there in my minivan watching the water roll lazily over the rocks, I wondered where it was going. If I were a drop in that stream, where would I be going to? Where would I end up? What would I be at the end of that journey? With envy I sat and watched for a while.
In an email to someone the other day I wrote, "I just want to disappear. But, I can't right now, and that makes it all the more excruciatingly painful. I want to go away where no one knows me. Where I can leave everything I own behind."
That is what I really want to do. Just leave everything behind. But, right now in this moment in time I just really don't know that I can start fresh. As I also wrote in that same email, "The sad part is....I don't want to start fresh. I just don't even want to be any more. "
As I drove away from the side of the river, I thought of that one little drop of water in that stream. While it is seemingly insignificant, without it the stream as a whole would be the less for its absence. But, would anyone really miss that one little drop of water?
Just what is it that is holding me here? My girls... maybe at one time... but now? What is keeping me from going away and starting afresh? Beginning a new life in a new place with a new me? And, how do I find that new me?
I have to seek her out. I have to delve through that cold, bereft mountain of stone of my current self and uncover that chrysalis where she slumbers awaiting the completion of her metamorphosis. I have to get to her. I have to set her free. I need for her to spread her wings and fly. Because I... I cannot... this me will not survive any more of this life. I don't know how to fight any more. I am not tenacious....but SHE...she is. Hidden in all of her golden glory behind those fragile walls she awaits freedom. But, where exactly is she? How do I get to her? How to set her free?
I think I need to think on this. And, the best way I have ever been able to think thinking thoughts is to walk. Walking with nature has always uplifted my soul, and in those moments I have been able only to grasp the most fleeting glimpses of her. I have seen the hint of her glowing faintly in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains. Through those golden, gossamer walls that have entrapped her she smiles enticingly at me.
However, those moments have been ever so short lived. I have not been able to remain in search of her for any extended period of time. Duties and responsibilities have forever drawn me away from her. And, I do think it is time. Time for me to be out there in those moments for longer than fleeting glimpses. With the last vestiges of my floundering, weak soul I have to discover where she is hidden and set her free... to replace me so that I may finally find rest and peace.
Yes, it is time to think those thinking thoughts on a long walk in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains.
Tenacious Tanasi
All of the reasons that I have put off a thruhike have been taken away, will soon go, or have already left me. What reason do I have to remain stationary? Why live here in a town where I am just so miserable? Why put up with the continued abuses of my ex?
The other night after telling him that I was not going to battle for the next 7 years over the kids, he taunted me telling me to just move away from here. Hey, you know what? That's not such a bad idea at all. Not having to deal with him being such a childish, pitiful, mean prick is quickly, and very sadly, overruling my desire to stay here and fight for the rights of my daughters to have their mother in their lives. And all the while watching him make the same mistakes with them that he did in our marriage. Lack of intellect, communication, motivation, effort, and honesty from him will be the bane of my daughters' existences.
Yes, the thought of not being near my children and truly getting to watch them grow pains me almost as bad as knowing I'm not going to get to grow old with the one I want to. However, the reason I went to court was to give my girls their voice, and if they really wanted to be with me they had the opportunity to have said so.
I truly don't think I can stand living here watching another woman raise my girls whose idea of keeping them busy is setting them down with a 2 liter of coke and a family size bag of chips in front of the television while she slips off to pop her cocktail of daily pills. I just can't do it. It's killing me psychologically. All of this...it's just killing me.
I've gotten into the habit of taking a ride up the river on my lunch break from work. Today, as I sat there in my minivan watching the water roll lazily over the rocks, I wondered where it was going. If I were a drop in that stream, where would I be going to? Where would I end up? What would I be at the end of that journey? With envy I sat and watched for a while.
In an email to someone the other day I wrote, "I just want to disappear. But, I can't right now, and that makes it all the more excruciatingly painful. I want to go away where no one knows me. Where I can leave everything I own behind."
That is what I really want to do. Just leave everything behind. But, right now in this moment in time I just really don't know that I can start fresh. As I also wrote in that same email, "The sad part is....I don't want to start fresh. I just don't even want to be any more. "
As I drove away from the side of the river, I thought of that one little drop of water in that stream. While it is seemingly insignificant, without it the stream as a whole would be the less for its absence. But, would anyone really miss that one little drop of water?
Just what is it that is holding me here? My girls... maybe at one time... but now? What is keeping me from going away and starting afresh? Beginning a new life in a new place with a new me? And, how do I find that new me?
I have to seek her out. I have to delve through that cold, bereft mountain of stone of my current self and uncover that chrysalis where she slumbers awaiting the completion of her metamorphosis. I have to get to her. I have to set her free. I need for her to spread her wings and fly. Because I... I cannot... this me will not survive any more of this life. I don't know how to fight any more. I am not tenacious....but SHE...she is. Hidden in all of her golden glory behind those fragile walls she awaits freedom. But, where exactly is she? How do I get to her? How to set her free?
I think I need to think on this. And, the best way I have ever been able to think thinking thoughts is to walk. Walking with nature has always uplifted my soul, and in those moments I have been able only to grasp the most fleeting glimpses of her. I have seen the hint of her glowing faintly in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains. Through those golden, gossamer walls that have entrapped her she smiles enticingly at me.
However, those moments have been ever so short lived. I have not been able to remain in search of her for any extended period of time. Duties and responsibilities have forever drawn me away from her. And, I do think it is time. Time for me to be out there in those moments for longer than fleeting glimpses. With the last vestiges of my floundering, weak soul I have to discover where she is hidden and set her free... to replace me so that I may finally find rest and peace.
Yes, it is time to think those thinking thoughts on a long walk in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains.
Tenacious Tanasi
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