Bag of mixed emotions

I'm a bag of mixed emotions at the moment.... relieved, guilty, anxious, angry, sad, ....  
A meeting was held this morning with DCS and all parties involved in the child's case that has been with us for the last little while to determine temporary custody.  The end result being that the aunt from Florida was able to come get him.  She seemed decent enough.

But, what struck me was that when we went into the conference room at the end of it all and the child was going to see his sperm donor and birth giver... he took one look at them and latched onto my leg hiding his face.  The Momma Bear in me reared up and I looked to the case worker, but he was involved in finalizing documentation with the aunt.  Micah was sitting on my hip with his little hand on my heart.  And, that was probably the only thing that kept me from ripping those two pieces of fecal matter to shreds.

God love his little heart but when the sperm donor went to place his hand on the child's shoulder the little one dodged away and crawled into a chair where he hid his face.  Both of those idiots kept saying his name so sickly sweetly trying to get him to recognize them... it just made me want to puke.  As if they gave a damn about this child!  If they did, they would never have done drugs around him or neglected him as is stated in the public records.

I had to get out of there and quickly went to the truck and retrieved his meager belongings.  I dropped them off at the receptionist and then took off.  When I got off the phone with Michael inviting him out to lunch, I looked up in the rear view mirror and saw Caden's two teddy bears in the back seat.  My heart lodged in my throat and the tears started... but, I couldn't go back... I just could not.

Over lunch Michael and I talked about it.  And, it's like I had told him... if anyone in the family checked out and the state was happy with the child going with them, then I would be OK with it.  And, I really am.  But, there is a part of me that is anxious for this child.  He's still going to be a part of that family that has let him down time and again leaving him at the mercy of the state.  Is that aunt really good enough for him?  Will he be OK?  Will he receive the counseling he so desperately needs?  It's like Michael said, "At some point down the road we'll look back and wonder whatever happened to that child."

I do feel a little relieved.  We were totally taken by surprise by this event and it completely threw our lives upside down for a few weeks.  Michael and I really enjoy our little 3 person family unit.  Our older children do not live with us, and life is probably a lot more peaceful for that.  LOL  But, I feel guilty because I do feel relieved.

When I got home this afternoon, I brought my sleeping baby boy in from the truck to tuck him into our bed to finish his nap.  I sat on the bed beside him for a bit looking at his wonderful little being and trying to wrap my head around people treating their children as that family has that young man.  That was when I noticed Caden's pajamas laying in the floor... and I simply lost it.  I curled up next to Micah healing warmth and cried for that little boy and all of the other little ones out there going through this same kind of crap in their lives.

I pray that his Guardian Angels will continue to look over him and help him throughout life.  Go with God, Caden.  You are a sweet child who does not deserve all that you have lived through in your 4 short years of life.  May blessings abound for you.  May this be the turning point where that sparkly smile and giggle will become your norm.  Happy life little one... happy life.