| Subject | He Thinks He'll Keep Her... but what does SHE say? |
| DateCreated | 6/26/2007 1:00:00 AM |
| PostedDate | 6/26/2007 2:28:00 AM |
| Body | I was sittin' in a booth at Dot's in Damascus at Trail Days this year when a song came on the juke. It immediately caught my attention. A very dear person to me, put it on. I've heard this song a million times. And, when things were falling apart in my marriage over the years, this song took on new meaning for me. Sittin' there in that booth listening as the lyrics streamed out across the room. It felt as if they were touching me physically...taking me up in comforting, consoling arms...strengthening me to see it through. You see, my divorce was about to be final 2 days after this, and so it was weighing on me. As I looked across the table at my 15 year old daughter, I began asking myself that litany of questions we all do when we're going through something like this.... Was I doing the right thing? Had I made the right choices? Were they the right sacrifices? Why couldn't my family understand and support me? Where do I go from here? Was it the best thing to step out of my comfort zone and do what I had to do to survive life and be a better person for my girls and myself as well? Looking at the beautiful face of my daughter across the table I recalled that feeling of duty born out of my love for her... I had to give her a daddy. And, so I had married one... one that I thought would be a good one. Just a simple man. One that would help to take care of her and raise her. And, he is a good man...just not the right one for me...not the one that I need to spend the rest of my life with. I made one glaring mistake. I married him for her. I did not marry him for me. I did not marry him for love. I did not marry someone that would have been compatible with me. This was so very wrong and unfair to everyone. Please, do not take this the wrong way. I am by no means laying this at her door. This was MY mistake...my error. I married a man to provide something for her instead of marrying someone for the kind of man that would be good for me. A partner in life. Had I taken a step back and realized that I had ran to him after an altercation with my daddy and that by doing this it was just the easiest thing to do, then I never would have married him. You see, he and I are on total opposite ends of the personality spectrum...and, NO...opposites do not always attract and work out. This song is eerily parallel to my married life...down to the timeline... that it really got to me, and I fled from the booth because the tears, fears, and regrets were overwhelming me. The song by Mary Chapin Carpenter He Thinks He'll Keep Her was written as a response to a 1970's Geritol TV commercial. In this commercial this man accounts his wife's many qualities and then ends with "My wife...I think I'll keep her." Within the song at first you may think that the lyrics are agreeing with the commercial. However, I think that as you listen to the entirety of the song, you discover that the emphasis is put on the word "thinks." I had my religion telling me that you can't divorce him for any reason other than death and adultery. I had a husband that just didn't get what I had been trying to tell him for years... even after all that time he did not have a clue as to who I really am. I had my family saying..we don't understand...it's not like he beats you or anything. And, I had 3 precious daughters that were going to be affected by my decision. And, so I stayed in that every day way of things. Even though it was making me mentally, emotionally, and physically sick...I stayed. But then it all came to be too much. And, I couldn't hide it any longer. Depression had washed over me and was draggin me down into dark depths that I was afraid one day I would never come back from. This song for me exemplifies what I was going through. Everything runs right on time, years of practice and design. God forbid you change your mind. ... Everything is so benign, safest place you'll ever find. At least until you change your mind. I had to change my life to get life back. I didn't want to be so miserable that I was making everyone else miserable. I wanted to be the happy, smiling person I know myself to be. But to do that...I had to cry first. And, I still cry sometimes. However, I am now filled with the resolve to take my life back. I will no longer stay in a situation that beats me down in so many ways and strips me of who I am. I hope that one day my girls will understand. I hope that they will see that by being proactive in their lives instead of just falling into the easy way of things that they will live a happier, more fulfilled life...one of their choosing without everyone and everything else dictating to them how they should live. He Thinks He'll Keep Her... but what does SHE say? She says that she's taking life back. She says that even though this has been the hardest thing to go through that things will be much better on the other end. She says that life is worth living...with a smile on your face. She says that no longer will anyone tell her that just because it isn't the way things are done that she should conform. He Thinks He'll Keep Her Lyrics Artist(Band):Mary Chapin Carpenter (Mary Chapin Carpenter/Don Schlitz) She makes his coffee, she makes his bed She does the laundry, she keeps him fed When she was twenty-one she wore her mother's lace She said "forever" with a smile upon her face She does the car-pool, she PTAs Doctors and dentists, she drives all day When she was twenty-nine she delivered number three And every Christmas card showed a perfect family Everything runs right on time, years of practice and design Spit and polish till it shines. He thinks he'll keep her Everything is so benign, safest place you'll ever find God forbid you change your mind. He thinks he'll keep her She packs his suitcase, she sits and waits With no expression upon her face When she was thirty-six she met him at their door She said I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore Everything runs right on time, years of practice and design Spit and polish till it shines. He thinks he'll keep her Everything is so benign, safest place you'll ever find God forbid you change your mind. He thinks he'll keep her For fifteen years she had a job and not one raise in pay Now she's in the typing pool at minimum wage Everything runs right on time, years of practice and design Spit and polish till it shines. He thinks he'll keep her Everything is so benign, safest place you'll ever find At least until you change your mind. He thinks he'll keep her |
Life is beautiful ... even in shades of grey.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
He Thinks He'll Keep Her... but what does SHE say?
Nature gives us what we need...
An old MySpace blog entry:
| DateCreated | 2/5/2007 2:06:00 PM |
| PostedDate | 2/5/2007 2:00:00 PM |
| Body | You know so often the trails, woods, nature, et al, it gives us what we need--sometimes even when we don't know what it is or that we even need anything at all. If we go out there looking for something specific, we don't always find it. And, I think that is because we truly aren't ready for it--and somehow the greater forces that be know this. However, when we least expect it but are ready for it... "trail magic" is simply bestowed upon us. How many of us have found ourselves...when in the real world we somehow faded into the every day way of things? Been given courage...like to cross a stream when we can't swim or jump boulders when we're afraid to fall? Find that long lost self-esteem because we conquered that mountain climb...or walked over 2000 miles or did something else when others didn't think we could or the pain told us to stop? Some have even found the love of their life out there when all hope of ever being able or capable of loving was gone. And, you know what else? I don't know exactly what it is about the woods that allows us to be in a more accepting state and prepared for our "magical gifts." Perhaps it is the serenity of nature that allows us to let our guards down that we erect in the noisy and distracting civilization cluttered with emotional, mental, and physical baggage and trash. Perhaps it is that the woods are "real" and we somehow translate that into an ability to become real and genuine again as we once were as children. Perhaps it is that the beauty of nature touches us in such a way that we again let our hearts beat and FEEL. We remember how to breathe. And, remember life is to be LIVED. I choose to live, therefore I hike. |
Thursday, October 17, 2013
RIP Wookiee
As I pulled in to school last night I received a text from Michael that our dog, Wookiee, had gotten out of the yard and had been hit by a car. Sadly, there was nothing he could do for him. Later, I received another text from him telling me that Micah was wondering around the yard saying "Goggie, whar ahr you?" That made me cry. I wanted to run right home and cuddle my little guy.
When we went out the door this morning headed to daycare, Micah stepped out and started hollering for Goggie (Wookiee his dog). I was crying as I took him by the hand and led him over to the car. I was able to straighten myself up for the drive there. Then once he was inside and playing I had to sit in the car and cry for a bit.
I called my husband, and he told me that he didn't want any more pets brought in. He couldn't stand it. He said Micah had old Roxy (who barely tolerates Micah and doesn't like to play) and old Buster (Granny's old broken down dog we're taking care of while she's being taken care of). Michael laughed and said that Micah was even hobbling around the yard imitating Buster. And, Michael pointed out that Buster couldn't get away from Micah either. LOL But, Micah had enjoyed Wookiee's energy and playfulness. Every boy deserves to have such a dog. :(
Sitting out in the car in the driveway, I missed Wookiee running up to the fence to greet me. He was such a beautiful little dog. And, he LOVED Micah. He was so good with him. The only thing that scared me was when Micah would go up and down the steps on the front porch which are quite high and Wookiee would crowd him on the steps. Although I do believe at times he was helping Micah up the steps. They loved to play hide and seek around the trees and toys in the yard. And, whenever we went out on the porch they would lick each other through the screen door. Micah always shared his snacks with Wookiee who actually never took all of it... seeming to leave some for Micah.
I sat out there thinking about all of the animals friends who have come through my life. The many cat, kittens, dogs, puppies, birds, cows, ponies, horses... And, I think of how they enriched my life...even for the brief time that they were with me. And, even though many of them ended in heart ache, I would give up those moments that I had with them for nothing else in the world. My pets have taught me so much about loving unconditionally, responsibility, true trust, and faith. Everyone should have a pet to take care of at least once in their life.
Yes, we do have our Marvelous Molly kitteh, but she hides from him during the day. She will cuddle with him at night to sleep. But, she doesn't play with him for very long and her delicate sensibilities can't stand Micah's tough toddler play.
I can't sit here and promise my husband that I won't allow Micah to have an other Goggie. Every child needs a dog.
Goodbye, Wookiee. You were an awesome pup for Micah. He loved you so very much. We will miss your playful antics but not your chewing on everything. LOL We will miss your gorgeous self running across the yard with your tail fanned out like a golden banner to greet us when we came home. You will be missed. RIP dear one.
When we went out the door this morning headed to daycare, Micah stepped out and started hollering for Goggie (Wookiee his dog). I was crying as I took him by the hand and led him over to the car. I was able to straighten myself up for the drive there. Then once he was inside and playing I had to sit in the car and cry for a bit.
I called my husband, and he told me that he didn't want any more pets brought in. He couldn't stand it. He said Micah had old Roxy (who barely tolerates Micah and doesn't like to play) and old Buster (Granny's old broken down dog we're taking care of while she's being taken care of). Michael laughed and said that Micah was even hobbling around the yard imitating Buster. And, Michael pointed out that Buster couldn't get away from Micah either. LOL But, Micah had enjoyed Wookiee's energy and playfulness. Every boy deserves to have such a dog. :(
Sitting out in the car in the driveway, I missed Wookiee running up to the fence to greet me. He was such a beautiful little dog. And, he LOVED Micah. He was so good with him. The only thing that scared me was when Micah would go up and down the steps on the front porch which are quite high and Wookiee would crowd him on the steps. Although I do believe at times he was helping Micah up the steps. They loved to play hide and seek around the trees and toys in the yard. And, whenever we went out on the porch they would lick each other through the screen door. Micah always shared his snacks with Wookiee who actually never took all of it... seeming to leave some for Micah.
I sat out there thinking about all of the animals friends who have come through my life. The many cat, kittens, dogs, puppies, birds, cows, ponies, horses... And, I think of how they enriched my life...even for the brief time that they were with me. And, even though many of them ended in heart ache, I would give up those moments that I had with them for nothing else in the world. My pets have taught me so much about loving unconditionally, responsibility, true trust, and faith. Everyone should have a pet to take care of at least once in their life.
Yes, we do have our Marvelous Molly kitteh, but she hides from him during the day. She will cuddle with him at night to sleep. But, she doesn't play with him for very long and her delicate sensibilities can't stand Micah's tough toddler play.
I can't sit here and promise my husband that I won't allow Micah to have an other Goggie. Every child needs a dog.
Goodbye, Wookiee. You were an awesome pup for Micah. He loved you so very much. We will miss your playful antics but not your chewing on everything. LOL We will miss your gorgeous self running across the yard with your tail fanned out like a golden banner to greet us when we came home. You will be missed. RIP dear one.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Lead the way, Army Ranger!
My husband was in the living room watching the news. I was in the kitchen when he suddenly came through headed toward the office. With a tear in his eye, he turned to me and told me of this soldier who had been injured in Afghanistan. He told me that while they were pinning the Purple Heart in his hospital room the soldier they thought was unconscious began to struggle to get his arm up to salute.
And, my husband says to me, "To see such dedication! From a soldier barely conscious! He was doing his duty and even as injured as he was he was following ceremony and was trying to salute! Now, WHY can't our government be THAT dedicated to US?!" With that he sat down at the computer to share that story. I felt compelled to do the same.
From the article:
Josh, whom everybody in the room (over 50 people) assumed to be unconscious, began to move his right arm under the blanket in a diligent effort to salute the Commander as is customary during these ceremonies. Despite his wounds, wrappings, tubes, and pain, Josh fought the doctor who was trying to restrain his right arm and rendered the most beautiful salute any person in that room had ever seen. I cannot impart on you the level of emotion that poured through the intensive care unit that day. Grown men began to weep and we were speechless at a gesture that speak volumes about Josh’s courage and character.
Lead the way, Army Ranger!
And, my husband says to me, "To see such dedication! From a soldier barely conscious! He was doing his duty and even as injured as he was he was following ceremony and was trying to salute! Now, WHY can't our government be THAT dedicated to US?!" With that he sat down at the computer to share that story. I felt compelled to do the same.
From the article:
Josh, whom everybody in the room (over 50 people) assumed to be unconscious, began to move his right arm under the blanket in a diligent effort to salute the Commander as is customary during these ceremonies. Despite his wounds, wrappings, tubes, and pain, Josh fought the doctor who was trying to restrain his right arm and rendered the most beautiful salute any person in that room had ever seen. I cannot impart on you the level of emotion that poured through the intensive care unit that day. Grown men began to weep and we were speechless at a gesture that speak volumes about Josh’s courage and character.
Lead the way, Army Ranger!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Thinking Thoughts
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Tenacious Tanasi <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: AT-L <at-l@backcountry.net>
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 12:20 AM
Subject: Thinking thoughts
From: Tenacious Tanasi <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: AT-L <at-l@backcountry.net>
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 12:20 AM
Subject: Thinking thoughts
I was sitting here reading on Whiteblaze and browsing the net checking hiking/gear links that have lay dormant for oh so long in my Firefox. And, it crept up on me... Springer Fever. I'm getting the itch again...and it's not the same one Felix gave me. ;)
All of the reasons that I have put off a thruhike have been taken away, will soon go, or have already left me. What reason do I have to remain stationary? Why live here in a town where I am just so miserable? Why put up with the continued abuses of my ex?
The other night after telling him that I was not going to battle for the next 7 years over the kids, he taunted me telling me to just move away from here. Hey, you know what? That's not such a bad idea at all. Not having to deal with him being such a childish, pitiful, mean prick is quickly, and very sadly, overruling my desire to stay here and fight for the rights of my daughters to have their mother in their lives. And all the while watching him make the same mistakes with them that he did in our marriage. Lack of intellect, communication, motivation, effort, and honesty from him will be the bane of my daughters' existences.
Yes, the thought of not being near my children and truly getting to watch them grow pains me almost as bad as knowing I'm not going to get to grow old with the one I want to. However, the reason I went to court was to give my girls their voice, and if they really wanted to be with me they had the opportunity to have said so.
I truly don't think I can stand living here watching another woman raise my girls whose idea of keeping them busy is setting them down with a 2 liter of coke and a family size bag of chips in front of the television while she slips off to pop her cocktail of daily pills. I just can't do it. It's killing me psychologically. All of this...it's just killing me.
I've gotten into the habit of taking a ride up the river on my lunch break from work. Today, as I sat there in my minivan watching the water roll lazily over the rocks, I wondered where it was going. If I were a drop in that stream, where would I be going to? Where would I end up? What would I be at the end of that journey? With envy I sat and watched for a while.
In an email to someone the other day I wrote, "I just want to disappear. But, I can't right now, and that makes it all the more excruciatingly painful. I want to go away where no one knows me. Where I can leave everything I own behind."
That is what I really want to do. Just leave everything behind. But, right now in this moment in time I just really don't know that I can start fresh. As I also wrote in that same email, "The sad part is....I don't want to start fresh. I just don't even want to be any more. "
As I drove away from the side of the river, I thought of that one little drop of water in that stream. While it is seemingly insignificant, without it the stream as a whole would be the less for its absence. But, would anyone really miss that one little drop of water?
Just what is it that is holding me here? My girls... maybe at one time... but now? What is keeping me from going away and starting afresh? Beginning a new life in a new place with a new me? And, how do I find that new me?
I have to seek her out. I have to delve through that cold, bereft mountain of stone of my current self and uncover that chrysalis where she slumbers awaiting the completion of her metamorphosis. I have to get to her. I have to set her free. I need for her to spread her wings and fly. Because I... I cannot... this me will not survive any more of this life. I don't know how to fight any more. I am not tenacious....but SHE...she is. Hidden in all of her golden glory behind those fragile walls she awaits freedom. But, where exactly is she? How do I get to her? How to set her free?
I think I need to think on this. And, the best way I have ever been able to think thinking thoughts is to walk. Walking with nature has always uplifted my soul, and in those moments I have been able only to grasp the most fleeting glimpses of her. I have seen the hint of her glowing faintly in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains. Through those golden, gossamer walls that have entrapped her she smiles enticingly at me.
However, those moments have been ever so short lived. I have not been able to remain in search of her for any extended period of time. Duties and responsibilities have forever drawn me away from her. And, I do think it is time. Time for me to be out there in those moments for longer than fleeting glimpses. With the last vestiges of my floundering, weak soul I have to discover where she is hidden and set her free... to replace me so that I may finally find rest and peace.
Yes, it is time to think those thinking thoughts on a long walk in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains.
Tenacious Tanasi
All of the reasons that I have put off a thruhike have been taken away, will soon go, or have already left me. What reason do I have to remain stationary? Why live here in a town where I am just so miserable? Why put up with the continued abuses of my ex?
The other night after telling him that I was not going to battle for the next 7 years over the kids, he taunted me telling me to just move away from here. Hey, you know what? That's not such a bad idea at all. Not having to deal with him being such a childish, pitiful, mean prick is quickly, and very sadly, overruling my desire to stay here and fight for the rights of my daughters to have their mother in their lives. And all the while watching him make the same mistakes with them that he did in our marriage. Lack of intellect, communication, motivation, effort, and honesty from him will be the bane of my daughters' existences.
Yes, the thought of not being near my children and truly getting to watch them grow pains me almost as bad as knowing I'm not going to get to grow old with the one I want to. However, the reason I went to court was to give my girls their voice, and if they really wanted to be with me they had the opportunity to have said so.
I truly don't think I can stand living here watching another woman raise my girls whose idea of keeping them busy is setting them down with a 2 liter of coke and a family size bag of chips in front of the television while she slips off to pop her cocktail of daily pills. I just can't do it. It's killing me psychologically. All of this...it's just killing me.
I've gotten into the habit of taking a ride up the river on my lunch break from work. Today, as I sat there in my minivan watching the water roll lazily over the rocks, I wondered where it was going. If I were a drop in that stream, where would I be going to? Where would I end up? What would I be at the end of that journey? With envy I sat and watched for a while.
In an email to someone the other day I wrote, "I just want to disappear. But, I can't right now, and that makes it all the more excruciatingly painful. I want to go away where no one knows me. Where I can leave everything I own behind."
That is what I really want to do. Just leave everything behind. But, right now in this moment in time I just really don't know that I can start fresh. As I also wrote in that same email, "The sad part is....I don't want to start fresh. I just don't even want to be any more. "
As I drove away from the side of the river, I thought of that one little drop of water in that stream. While it is seemingly insignificant, without it the stream as a whole would be the less for its absence. But, would anyone really miss that one little drop of water?
Just what is it that is holding me here? My girls... maybe at one time... but now? What is keeping me from going away and starting afresh? Beginning a new life in a new place with a new me? And, how do I find that new me?
I have to seek her out. I have to delve through that cold, bereft mountain of stone of my current self and uncover that chrysalis where she slumbers awaiting the completion of her metamorphosis. I have to get to her. I have to set her free. I need for her to spread her wings and fly. Because I... I cannot... this me will not survive any more of this life. I don't know how to fight any more. I am not tenacious....but SHE...she is. Hidden in all of her golden glory behind those fragile walls she awaits freedom. But, where exactly is she? How do I get to her? How to set her free?
I think I need to think on this. And, the best way I have ever been able to think thinking thoughts is to walk. Walking with nature has always uplifted my soul, and in those moments I have been able only to grasp the most fleeting glimpses of her. I have seen the hint of her glowing faintly in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains. Through those golden, gossamer walls that have entrapped her she smiles enticingly at me.
However, those moments have been ever so short lived. I have not been able to remain in search of her for any extended period of time. Duties and responsibilities have forever drawn me away from her. And, I do think it is time. Time for me to be out there in those moments for longer than fleeting glimpses. With the last vestiges of my floundering, weak soul I have to discover where she is hidden and set her free... to replace me so that I may finally find rest and peace.
Yes, it is time to think those thinking thoughts on a long walk in the shadows of the trees upon the mountains.
Tenacious Tanasi
It's Time
Tenacious Tanasi
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Shelly Hale <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: WomenHikers@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, December 26, 2008 3:55 PM
Subject: [WomenHikers] It's Time
From: Shelly Hale <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: WomenHikers@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, December 26, 2008 3:55 PM
Subject: [WomenHikers] It's Time
Hey everyone,
It's been a while since I have been on here. I am finally wired back in, and I'm realllllyy behind on emails. 1,483 emails just from the hiking lists I am on. My personal emails combined were almost just as slammed. lol
For Steven there are no words of gratitude that can express the support and love you have given me. I wish things would have turned out differently for us, and I hope that the seperate paths we are to follow will converge from time to time under much better circumstances. The strain of all of this was sadly just a bit too much for us to survive. I will miss you most of all.
For the Women Hikers, I have too long neglected my relationships with you. I have curled inside myself with all of my hurt and for some silly reason couldn't let myself turn to you. Ladies, you will always hold such a special place in my heart. I'll be at the SoRuck and in much need of your strong shoulders and hearts. My girls and I are trying to heal...trying to get through all of this. All 3 of my girls will be with me this year, and I want them to experience the healing love we share for one another and hiking.
For those of you who sent well wishes to me as I have gone through the past two years of my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your encouraging emails, phone calls, and shoulders to cry on have been sanity and life saving. Jim & Ginny, Dawg, Miss Janet, Marsha, Felix, Toey, Marta Clark, Gary R., Greenbriar, .... so many others... I thank you.
For those of you who don't know what happened, I have had probably the most horrible month of my life...an ending to a painful 2 years. I lost primary custody of my two youngest daughters. My eldest daughter is still with me, but there are huge issues there.
My biological family showed up in court to testify against me...to ensure their rights with my daughters for they feared that their treatment of me over a lifetime that I would keep my daughters from them if I was awarded primary custody. Even though I have attempted time and time again to make sure that they would still get to see my daughters, they decided that I think way too differently than they do (which is highly unacceptable in their small minds). My very own "mother" sat on the stand and testifed that I was bi-polar, crazy, and needed help (somebody hand her a mirror, please!). They were there to support my ex and his new wife who is the daughter of the minister where they all go to church. Sadly, I do not conform to their cookie-cutter way of living, and because I do not go to their church I am not good enough to mother my own children.
My family died to me on 12/8/08. I have not spoken to them or have had contact in any way. Sometimes in life we discover that there are relationships that make us sick as a person. I simply can no longer deal with their acid "love". I can no longer tolerate their mental, emotional, and, yes, even physical abuses.
Within the span of two weeks my life had come crumbling down around my head and heart. My youngest two were taken away from me, and I am religated to every other weekend now. My 17 year old and I have daunting issues to overcome in our relationship. ..if there is even a relationship to salvage there. My biological family is now nonexistant to me. And, the man I love just can't take any more of the crap my life brings.
Christmas morning I hit rock bottom. The lowest point I think I have ever been in life. I had spent the night in bed all alone in a new house crying so very hard I was puking my guts up. All of the things that I used to define myself were now pretty much all gone. What have I left?
There are the feelings of such raw pain that my soul howls with agony of it. Cripling feelings of betrayal that my own daughters did not resoundingly choose me while in chambers with the judge after begging me to seek primary custody of them (and yet they want to come to my home and complain about their father and his wife). Anger and rage at what a fluke our judicial system is in Podunk, USA, including negligent, inept, attornies and judges trying to get cases finished just so they can go on their Christmas vacation time instead of doing their due diligence and hearing ALL of the information to make a sound judgement on. Hurt beyond belief resonates through my entire being at what my biological family has done. More's the pity to them as they will never get to know the real me.
And, yes, there is so much anger and hurt at my own self. I made so many stupid decisions through all of this. There are so many regrets over the past two years. But one thing I do not regret is that I was strong enough to finally step out of my comfort zone and say "Hey, this life is not me or mine. I do not want to be tied to people who continuously take me for granted. I refuse to be stuck in a life with a person who I was not compatible with." Yes, for a couple of years I sank into a deep depression because I foresaw the pain it was going to cause for everyone, and trying to fit in their life was killing me psychologically. However, I never imagined the hurtfull things that people would say and do through all of this.
So, what do I have left. I have me. No, I no longer have things in my life that define me as I once knew myself to be. And, strangely it is a unique and exhilarating feeling. Kinda scary and yet so very exciting. What a way to start a new year!
I can and always will be there for my daughters. Yes, there are wounds that we need to heal, but no one can change the fact that I am their one, true, and only Momma. I, more than anyone else, realize that I will miss out on so many little Mommy-Daughter moments that I will NEVER get back. BUT, I can continue to teach my daughters that they are beautiful just as they are and just how their unique differences make them so very gorgeous in their own rite. That it is ok to explore all kinds of philosophies and theologies to figure out what they want in life along with however to spend it and with whomever they so choose. They were not born with "Star Mountain Church of Christ" nor "Can reside only on Burger Branch Road for life" branded on their backsides. I will teach them that there is a big, bright, beautiful world out there to explore just as my eldest daughter begun to learn on her trip to Guatemala this past summer against the naysayers
within the family.
I will teach my daughters that it is THEIR life to live and not anyone else's. I will teach them to also tolerate others and to respect and allow others to live their life as they so choose even if my daughters do not agree with it. I will teach them to embrace the diversities of humanity. I will teach my daughters to be broad-minded and how to avoid the pitfalls and obstacles of small-minded individuals. And, I will always love them no matter what or where they are.
I no longer have to worry about being the "dutiful" daughter and sister to a family who does not understand me at all. These people have never been my true family. At the Gathering this year, Jim Owens gave me such a wonderful gift. It is a little slip of paper with a wealth of meaning emblazened upon it. He carried it for years with him, and now it goes everywhere I go. It says, "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others life. Rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof." Words to live by I think.
I no longer have to worry about being in a relationship. I'm going to take a hiatus from all that mess. I want to be on my own for a while and see what life brings me.
Time to become Tenacious again. Time to tuckerize my life. Time to see what I want out of life. Time to get to know ME again.
It's MY time now.
Tenacious Tanasi (aka Shell-no e-y)
It's been a while since I have been on here. I am finally wired back in, and I'm realllllyy behind on emails. 1,483 emails just from the hiking lists I am on. My personal emails combined were almost just as slammed. lol
For Steven there are no words of gratitude that can express the support and love you have given me. I wish things would have turned out differently for us, and I hope that the seperate paths we are to follow will converge from time to time under much better circumstances. The strain of all of this was sadly just a bit too much for us to survive. I will miss you most of all.
For the Women Hikers, I have too long neglected my relationships with you. I have curled inside myself with all of my hurt and for some silly reason couldn't let myself turn to you. Ladies, you will always hold such a special place in my heart. I'll be at the SoRuck and in much need of your strong shoulders and hearts. My girls and I are trying to heal...trying to get through all of this. All 3 of my girls will be with me this year, and I want them to experience the healing love we share for one another and hiking.
For those of you who sent well wishes to me as I have gone through the past two years of my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your encouraging emails, phone calls, and shoulders to cry on have been sanity and life saving. Jim & Ginny, Dawg, Miss Janet, Marsha, Felix, Toey, Marta Clark, Gary R., Greenbriar, .... so many others... I thank you.
For those of you who don't know what happened, I have had probably the most horrible month of my life...an ending to a painful 2 years. I lost primary custody of my two youngest daughters. My eldest daughter is still with me, but there are huge issues there.
My biological family showed up in court to testify against me...to ensure their rights with my daughters for they feared that their treatment of me over a lifetime that I would keep my daughters from them if I was awarded primary custody. Even though I have attempted time and time again to make sure that they would still get to see my daughters, they decided that I think way too differently than they do (which is highly unacceptable in their small minds). My very own "mother" sat on the stand and testifed that I was bi-polar, crazy, and needed help (somebody hand her a mirror, please!). They were there to support my ex and his new wife who is the daughter of the minister where they all go to church. Sadly, I do not conform to their cookie-cutter way of living, and because I do not go to their church I am not good enough to mother my own children.
My family died to me on 12/8/08. I have not spoken to them or have had contact in any way. Sometimes in life we discover that there are relationships that make us sick as a person. I simply can no longer deal with their acid "love". I can no longer tolerate their mental, emotional, and, yes, even physical abuses.
Within the span of two weeks my life had come crumbling down around my head and heart. My youngest two were taken away from me, and I am religated to every other weekend now. My 17 year old and I have daunting issues to overcome in our relationship. ..if there is even a relationship to salvage there. My biological family is now nonexistant to me. And, the man I love just can't take any more of the crap my life brings.
Christmas morning I hit rock bottom. The lowest point I think I have ever been in life. I had spent the night in bed all alone in a new house crying so very hard I was puking my guts up. All of the things that I used to define myself were now pretty much all gone. What have I left?
There are the feelings of such raw pain that my soul howls with agony of it. Cripling feelings of betrayal that my own daughters did not resoundingly choose me while in chambers with the judge after begging me to seek primary custody of them (and yet they want to come to my home and complain about their father and his wife). Anger and rage at what a fluke our judicial system is in Podunk, USA, including negligent, inept, attornies and judges trying to get cases finished just so they can go on their Christmas vacation time instead of doing their due diligence and hearing ALL of the information to make a sound judgement on. Hurt beyond belief resonates through my entire being at what my biological family has done. More's the pity to them as they will never get to know the real me.
And, yes, there is so much anger and hurt at my own self. I made so many stupid decisions through all of this. There are so many regrets over the past two years. But one thing I do not regret is that I was strong enough to finally step out of my comfort zone and say "Hey, this life is not me or mine. I do not want to be tied to people who continuously take me for granted. I refuse to be stuck in a life with a person who I was not compatible with." Yes, for a couple of years I sank into a deep depression because I foresaw the pain it was going to cause for everyone, and trying to fit in their life was killing me psychologically. However, I never imagined the hurtfull things that people would say and do through all of this.
So, what do I have left. I have me. No, I no longer have things in my life that define me as I once knew myself to be. And, strangely it is a unique and exhilarating feeling. Kinda scary and yet so very exciting. What a way to start a new year!
I can and always will be there for my daughters. Yes, there are wounds that we need to heal, but no one can change the fact that I am their one, true, and only Momma. I, more than anyone else, realize that I will miss out on so many little Mommy-Daughter moments that I will NEVER get back. BUT, I can continue to teach my daughters that they are beautiful just as they are and just how their unique differences make them so very gorgeous in their own rite. That it is ok to explore all kinds of philosophies and theologies to figure out what they want in life along with however to spend it and with whomever they so choose. They were not born with "Star Mountain Church of Christ" nor "Can reside only on Burger Branch Road for life" branded on their backsides. I will teach them that there is a big, bright, beautiful world out there to explore just as my eldest daughter begun to learn on her trip to Guatemala this past summer against the naysayers
within the family.
I will teach my daughters that it is THEIR life to live and not anyone else's. I will teach them to also tolerate others and to respect and allow others to live their life as they so choose even if my daughters do not agree with it. I will teach them to embrace the diversities of humanity. I will teach my daughters to be broad-minded and how to avoid the pitfalls and obstacles of small-minded individuals. And, I will always love them no matter what or where they are.
I no longer have to worry about being the "dutiful" daughter and sister to a family who does not understand me at all. These people have never been my true family. At the Gathering this year, Jim Owens gave me such a wonderful gift. It is a little slip of paper with a wealth of meaning emblazened upon it. He carried it for years with him, and now it goes everywhere I go. It says, "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others life. Rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof." Words to live by I think.
I no longer have to worry about being in a relationship. I'm going to take a hiatus from all that mess. I want to be on my own for a while and see what life brings me.
Time to become Tenacious again. Time to tuckerize my life. Time to see what I want out of life. Time to get to know ME again.
It's MY time now.
Tenacious Tanasi (aka Shell-no e-y)
Push Pause
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Tenacious Tanasi <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: AT-L <at-l@backcountry.net>
Sent: Monday, December 28, 2009 7:16 PM
Subject: [at-l] OT: Push PAUSE....
From: Tenacious Tanasi <tenacious_tanasi@yahoo.com>
To: AT-L <at-l@backcountry.net>
Sent: Monday, December 28, 2009 7:16 PM
Subject: [at-l] OT: Push PAUSE....
Yesterday afternoon as Michael and I walked out across the parking lot of Damon's restaurant after lunch, the Great Smoky Mountains lay spread before us with snow tipped crests. The wind danced around us with just a bit of a nip to it, but the sun was shining and the sparse clouds were moving languidly across the sky. Such a beautiful day here.
As we got into the truck I asked Michael what he wanted to do for the day. You see, he's been home for just less than a week for holiday leave, and he had to get on that bus headed back to Camp Shelby today. When he got home last week, it was so wonderful when he jumped off that bus and swept me up in his arms for that first kiss. Our time has been growing shorter and shorter, but I wanted to spend every moment with him packing as many memories into every second possible.
He turned from the beautiful vista to me and asked, "Can we just push pause? Can we just freeze time?" Instantly I was in tears. Sweet, sweet tears as this is the happiest holiday season I have ever had in my life.
This year there was no family drama for either of us. Yes, it was sad that my eldest daughter and I are still having issues and I did not see her for the holidays. However, it has been the most peaceful time for me in years. Michael, Hunter, Jerrica, Tori, and I had such a wonderful week together. Everyone got along, there was no drama, and everyone was in such a jolly, holiday mood.
On the way home we decided against the hike we had tossed around while eating lunch and opted instead for a campout.... at home together. We moved a mattress with a pile of pillows and blankets into the livingroom. The lights on the Christmas tree were turned on. And, as we snuggled there for the rest of the day (he watching football and I reading my Sunday paper) we talked about the upcoming year; our dreams from then on; and plans for our future.
Santa had brought me a beautiful mountain bike (purple!) with a kewl helmet, gloves. nifty little head/tail lights, and a cable lock. Michael told me of trails and places I could take it to ride while he is gone, and we talked of places like the Creeper Trail that we want to do together when he gets home. We talked of trails we want to hike, places we want to go, and things we want to accomplish individually and together.
As we lay there watching the lights begin to show dancing on the wall as the sun was setting outside, he gently kissed me on the forehead and smiled sweetly into my eyes as he told me, "These are the times you just want to push pause, soak up every second and never let them go."
This time last year my world had come crashing down around me and I was horribly miserable at Christmas. I just knew that 2009 was going to be the worst year of my life if I survived it at all. But, then a prayer was answered and someone came into my life that gave me the best Christmas pressie ever...hope... my smile and that 9-letter word we all seek..... happiness.
I really don't want to push pause... I want the story to keep unfolding even though I know that the next few months without him are going to be so very difficult. I want to see what may play out in the next scene. I want to continue living life with Michael as he has brought so much joy to me in the short time that we have been together. I feel so very blessed for him to have come into my life when he did.
So, I'm not pushing pause but I am going to soak up ever single second and never let them go. Bring on the popcorn!!! :)
Monday, April 22, 2013
Bag of mixed emotions
I'm a bag of mixed emotions at the moment.... relieved, guilty, anxious, angry, sad, ....
A meeting was held this morning with DCS and all parties involved in the child's case that has been with us for the last little while to determine temporary custody. The end result being that the aunt from Florida was able to come get him. She seemed decent enough.
But, what struck me was that when we went into the conference room at the end of it all and the child was going to see his sperm donor and birth giver... he took one look at them and latched onto my leg hiding his face. The Momma Bear in me reared up and I looked to the case worker, but he was involved in finalizing documentation with the aunt. Micah was sitting on my hip with his little hand on my heart. And, that was probably the only thing that kept me from ripping those two pieces of fecal matter to shreds.
God love his little heart but when the sperm donor went to place his hand on the child's shoulder the little one dodged away and crawled into a chair where he hid his face. Both of those idiots kept saying his name so sickly sweetly trying to get him to recognize them... it just made me want to puke. As if they gave a damn about this child! If they did, they would never have done drugs around him or neglected him as is stated in the public records.
I had to get out of there and quickly went to the truck and retrieved his meager belongings. I dropped them off at the receptionist and then took off. When I got off the phone with Michael inviting him out to lunch, I looked up in the rear view mirror and saw Caden's two teddy bears in the back seat. My heart lodged in my throat and the tears started... but, I couldn't go back... I just could not.
Over lunch Michael and I talked about it. And, it's like I had told him... if anyone in the family checked out and the state was happy with the child going with them, then I would be OK with it. And, I really am. But, there is a part of me that is anxious for this child. He's still going to be a part of that family that has let him down time and again leaving him at the mercy of the state. Is that aunt really good enough for him? Will he be OK? Will he receive the counseling he so desperately needs? It's like Michael said, "At some point down the road we'll look back and wonder whatever happened to that child."
I do feel a little relieved. We were totally taken by surprise by this event and it completely threw our lives upside down for a few weeks. Michael and I really enjoy our little 3 person family unit. Our older children do not live with us, and life is probably a lot more peaceful for that. LOL But, I feel guilty because I do feel relieved.
When I got home this afternoon, I brought my sleeping baby boy in from the truck to tuck him into our bed to finish his nap. I sat on the bed beside him for a bit looking at his wonderful little being and trying to wrap my head around people treating their children as that family has that young man. That was when I noticed Caden's pajamas laying in the floor... and I simply lost it. I curled up next to Micah healing warmth and cried for that little boy and all of the other little ones out there going through this same kind of crap in their lives.
I pray that his Guardian Angels will continue to look over him and help him throughout life. Go with God, Caden. You are a sweet child who does not deserve all that you have lived through in your 4 short years of life. May blessings abound for you. May this be the turning point where that sparkly smile and giggle will become your norm. Happy life little one... happy life.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
And they call it.... news?
Nothing better to report here.
If this is feminism, I want my dues back!!!
Jonathan Bernstein of the Washington Post and anyone else that mistook the President's complement as anything other than a complement to Attorney General Kamala Harris must not have anything real to report about. Seriously? This is all you have to report for news?! You have nothing better to report on that interests the People? I don't think I'll have time to ever read Mr. Bernstein's blog or column ever again. It has turned to such fodder and crap. Sheesh!
And, in regards to Irin Carmon... I can hardly believe now that she was named one of Forbes’ 30 under 30 in media AND featured in New York magazine as a face of young feminism.... as a face of young feminism?! Do tell. <<<said dripping in sarcasm>>> Her comment that “This is hardly the first time Obama has been smarmily sexist under the guise of paying a compliment," is just plain sexist... yep, sexist. No, Irin Carmon, I won't burn my bra under your immature flag.
If Ms. Harris didn't want her looks commented upon or to excel in her professional position, then she would not dress the way nor care for her appearance as she does. Unfortunately for women it is a side effect of getting ahead in the professional arena. If we don't look nice doing it all, then someone thinks that there is something wrong with us and we don't deserve to move up. What utter bull crap!
Here's the thing. Just as Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did... she did it all while going backwards and in high heels... and she looked damn fine doing it! So, too does Kamala Harris! She is the epitome of a professional woman.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with telling someone that they look nice. I don't care what the setting a compliment is a compliment no matter how much you want to play the semantics game. As long as Obama wasn't leering at her with saliva dripping off his chin and groping her, then I'm pretty danged sure that it was just simply that... a complement. I think that one has to look at the intent here. There was nothing "smarmily sexist" whatsoever about his compliment... it's just somebody trying to justify themselves with nothing better to report on other than their own sexist opinion.
I said all of this... took my time to respond to all of this crap... BECAUSE I AM SICK OF SO MUCH DRIVEL !!! It's clogging up my news channels and obscuring serious issues that we need reported on. Something like this tells me that somebody is simply trying to justify that they even have a job... but they are just grasping at straws at that.
And, just what is it about ME that qualifies ME to even blog crap about crap?! Well, I have an opinion just like they do. :-)
If this is feminism, I want my dues back!!!
Jonathan Bernstein of the Washington Post and anyone else that mistook the President's complement as anything other than a complement to Attorney General Kamala Harris must not have anything real to report about. Seriously? This is all you have to report for news?! You have nothing better to report on that interests the People? I don't think I'll have time to ever read Mr. Bernstein's blog or column ever again. It has turned to such fodder and crap. Sheesh!
And, in regards to Irin Carmon... I can hardly believe now that she was named one of Forbes’ 30 under 30 in media AND featured in New York magazine as a face of young feminism.... as a face of young feminism?! Do tell. <<<said dripping in sarcasm>>> Her comment that “This is hardly the first time Obama has been smarmily sexist under the guise of paying a compliment," is just plain sexist... yep, sexist. No, Irin Carmon, I won't burn my bra under your immature flag.
If Ms. Harris didn't want her looks commented upon or to excel in her professional position, then she would not dress the way nor care for her appearance as she does. Unfortunately for women it is a side effect of getting ahead in the professional arena. If we don't look nice doing it all, then someone thinks that there is something wrong with us and we don't deserve to move up. What utter bull crap!
Here's the thing. Just as Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did... she did it all while going backwards and in high heels... and she looked damn fine doing it! So, too does Kamala Harris! She is the epitome of a professional woman.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with telling someone that they look nice. I don't care what the setting a compliment is a compliment no matter how much you want to play the semantics game. As long as Obama wasn't leering at her with saliva dripping off his chin and groping her, then I'm pretty danged sure that it was just simply that... a complement. I think that one has to look at the intent here. There was nothing "smarmily sexist" whatsoever about his compliment... it's just somebody trying to justify themselves with nothing better to report on other than their own sexist opinion.
I said all of this... took my time to respond to all of this crap... BECAUSE I AM SICK OF SO MUCH DRIVEL !!! It's clogging up my news channels and obscuring serious issues that we need reported on. Something like this tells me that somebody is simply trying to justify that they even have a job... but they are just grasping at straws at that.
And, just what is it about ME that qualifies ME to even blog crap about crap?! Well, I have an opinion just like they do. :-)
Monday, February 4, 2013
Daddy's gotchya
Laying in bed yesterday dozing with my lil guy, when I felt the bed move... I opened my eyes to the smiling face of my husband. What a wonderful sight to behold! It has been a long, long weekend without him. He was home from his trip of certifying troops on Howitzers, and I was so glad to have him back. During those 4 days he was gone I was the sickest I have been in years. Micah was just coming off of his stomach bug when I caught it full force. Now with our little family replete, we snuggled in bed with our little man grinning like fools at one another.
As Micah began to rouse from his nap, Michael said, "Daddy's gotchya. Daddy's gotchya." Micah's little eyes popped wide open and wrapped his arms around his Daddy's neck so tight smiling like crazy. He immediately began to jabber...probably telling Daddy about the terrible noises Momma makes when she gets sick and how it scared him! LOL He kept on hugging Michael and giving him sugars. It made me cry to see how he held on to his Daddy.
For the rest of the evening they wrestled all over the house. Michael pushed Micah around in his big Tonka dump truck, and then he showed him how to push Pooh bear around in it. As the Super Bowl played in the background (we only really watched the commercials not being interested in it without the Broncos), Michael and Micah played with trains and trucks wearing out the carpet in the house.
Being that it was Sunday night and even though Daddy had just gotten in from work, he still had to be there at the armory bright and early this morning. Micah didn't understand that though and he wanted Daddy to stay up with him. It was a long hard fuss, but he finally went to sleep very late.
This morning I awoke to the sound of Micah crying. Michael was trying to leave for work, but Micah didn't want him to go. Michael actually left the bedroom shutting the door several times. But, he kept coming back in because it was breaking his heart to hear Micah cry for him. I finally got frustrated and told him that he was just going to have to go on... he couldn't. He came back in for one more snuggle putting Micah back in bed with me before he ran for the door. Micah cried himself back to sleep. Later I found Michael's soft cap on the kitchen table along with his lunch bag...
The general public simply can't understand how difficult it is on military families. I know it was so very hard to deal with a deployment right after Michael and I got together. I dread with most singularity that one more probably deployment before Michael retires.
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